My husband has mentioned a few times over the years that I’m in my head too much.
I think too much.
I had always interpreted his words as “you are overthinking things too much, you are too emotional. Why can’t you just let things be what they are? Not everything has a deeper meaning.”
To which my quiet response, in my own head (of course) has always been ” he doesn’t get it, of course there is always more than meets the eye.”
After all, I love thinking about things.
I love to be insightful even if it’s just to myself.
It’s what, at age 50, I crave when I wake up every morning.
What secret to a more fulfilling inner life can I uncover today?
Doesn’t everyone think about these things, every day?!
My Day in The Garden
I had a day recently where I was working in my flowerbeds, pulling out weeds before the heat of the day would overcome my already irritated perimenopausal body, where I became annoyed with my brain.
I had decided to not listen to my go-to podcast or music for this kind of work but it still felt noisy. It was just me, the dog, the birds and the weeds, and I still had trouble just simply being with what I was doing. I had trouble just Being (whatever that really means these days).
The more I tried not to think about my thinking, the more irritated and anxious I became. To the point where I declared to my bucket of weeds and the dog lying next to it:
“I just want to BE today, is that too much to ask?!”
My Dog is Pretty Smart
To which the dog, already panting from the heat, wagged his tail as if to say “Lady, it’s what I do every day, it ain’t that hard. You ARE in your head too much!” (Yes, the dog and I have many conversations like this, on the daily. I am always amazed at the wisdom he shares for a yellow lab.)
I’d love to tell you that I changed my perspective in that instance. I didn’t.
All I could manage was a deep breath and go back to weeding for a bit longer.
I’d love to tell you the rest of the day went well. It didn’t.
The heat turned up, the headache started and it didn’t leave me until sometime after my head hit the pillow that night that night. Sigh.
Maybe the goal isn’t to stop thinking completely.
I don’t think I actually want that.
Thinking deeply is part of who I am.
Reflection is part of how I move through the world. But maybe there’s a difference between reflection… and relentless self-monitoring.
Maybe Thinking Isn’t the Goal
Maybe not every uncomfortable feeling needs to become a project.
Maybe some days are allowed to simply feel hard.
Maybe some days we’re allowed to exist without constantly trying to fix ourselves.
And maybe that’s what I was really craving in the garden that day.
Not a solution.
Just a little quiet.
