I had a coffee date set up this week with someone I first connected with a year ago. We happened to be at the same event, recognized each other and made plans to meet the next week for coffee. These weren’t “we should get together sometime” plans. These were time, date, place specific plans, scheduled in the calendar.
I arrive early. I always do. It’s in my DNA.
I head inside and debate whether I grab my drink before sitting down or wait until my coffee date arrives. (What is the etiquette for this type of meet up, anyways?) I decide to grab my drink, pick a table and sit down. By the time I sit, I am right on time for my meet up and I feel good.
Five minutes goes by, seven minutes go by, then fifteen. Hmmm, did I get the details wrong? I check our text thread. Nope, I’ve got it all correct….cue the spiral of thoughts….
The Thought Spiral
I hope everything is ok
I hope there wasn’t a car accident or a deathly ill child that needed to rushed to the hospital
What are the chances of that happening?
Hmmm, they forgot.
Hmmm, they forgot because they didn’t put it in their calendar.
They didn’t put it in the calendar because it wasn’t important.
I’m not important.
They only said yes to be polite and never had any intention of meeting up with me.
See, this is what you get when introverted you, put yourself out there. It doesn’t always get reciprocated. (Yep, let’s keep adding to those lousy thoughts, Astrid. They are really helpful. )
Twenty minutes go by and nothing. I text to ask if everything is ok, if I got the details wrong. I also text that I’m off to my next appointment in a few minutes and maybe we can connect another time.
Now the awkward waiting to see if they respond.
The Explanation
I get in my vehicle and head to my next appointment. My phone rings. It’s my meet up full of apology and regret. Right time, right place, but wrong Monday in their calendar! I laugh it off and say “no worries, it happens!” as if I had not just spent the last twenty minutes thinking of all the ways a no-show is all my fault.
We reschedule right away, as I shake my head at that long list of lousy thoughts that came up… all about ME.
All about ME being the issue.
All about ME not being important.
All about ME not being worthy of someone else’s time.
When all is was about was the wrong Monday.
The Reality
I laugh again at how quickly my brain fell back into some of my old self-belief patterns – I mean, less than 60 seconds, thought spiral.
I laugh at how my brain filled in the blanks so quickly without having all the information.
I laugh at the fact that no matter how many times you think to yourself that you’ve got your brain figured out, your brain is able to sneak those lousy thoughts in through another backdoor.
I laughed at how quickly those thoughts felt believable.
Finally, I laugh because at the end of that phone call, I realize again that I am only human, full of emotions, full of thoughts and that at the very least, I was able to catch myself from staying stuck in for the rest of the day.
The funny thing is, none of the suffering came from the actual situation.
It came from the story my brain created in the absence of information.
And maybe that’s the real work sometimes.
Not becoming someone who never spirals.
But becoming someone who notices the spiral before it takes over the entire day.
PS – maybe the funniest part of it all – this picture. I snapped it while waiting for my coffee date, knowing that what I was experiencing in real time was going to be worth putting down in words one day.
