There were decades of my life where three questions followed me everywhere:
What am I supposed to do with my life?
What is my purpose?
What am I missing?
I thought those were good questions.
Important questions.
Responsible, even.
But what I didn’t realize at the time was this:
The more I chased the answers… the more anxious I became.
I’ve been working on a writing project that requires me to go back through my journals from years past. I only started journaling consistently in 2022, but even then, it was a lot to go through.
As you might imagine, it’s bringing everything back.
Pain. Doubt. Fear. Confusion. Overwhelm.
And my constant companion — anxiety – and realizing now that I have always lived with a constant level of anxiousness, going all the way back to childhood.
There are so many moments where I want to close those notebooks and walk away. It’s too painful to remember when things truly felt like I was losing control of my emotions, my thoughts and ultimately, my life.
But I don’t walk away.
Because now, on the other side of those decades, I know there are things I can see clearly that I couldn’t see back then.
October 2023
I came across an entry that stopped me.
It didn’t just reflect how I felt… it captured exactly where I was headed.
I wrote:
I don’t know who I am.
I don’t know where I fit.
I don’t fit in anywhere.
I’m in a constant state of anxiousness.
I don’t feel like my authentic self.
What is my authentic self?
Reading those words now, I don’t feel judgment. I feel compassion. I feel sad. I feel dread because I know now what was coming for me.
I want to go back to that version of me, wrap my arms around her, and not let go.
I want to tell her:
You’re going to be okay.
It’s going to get harder before it gets better… but you’re going to be okay.
And more than anything, I want to tell her this:
The constant search for your identity— especially in all the wrong places—
is what’s creating so much of this anxiety.
Where I Looked
Everywhere.
Books, courses, podcasts, social media…
Especially in trying to figure out what my “superpower” was… and how to turn that into a successful career or business.
I worked as a financial officer for over 15+ years.
I started a business restoring and repainting furniture.
I became a certified life coach.
And layered into all of that—trying to be the best wife and mom I could be.
All of it was driven by the same belief:
If I could just find my purpose… I would finally feel at peace.
What Happened Instead
None of those things gave me what I thought they would.
As much as I genuinely enjoyed parts of each path, there was always something missing. There was no “click.” And without that click, I assumed something must be wrong with me.
Stay in that space long enough and your thoughts start to turn on you. Stay there long enough… and the anxiety doesn’t just linger—it builds.
Until eventually, your mind and body say:
Enough.
What Shifted
Therapy.
Medication.
Rest.
Those weren’t optional. They were necessary. But underneath all of that, something else quietly began to change.
Feeling completely depleted, I reached a point where I had nothing left to lose by asking different questions.
Instead of continuing to search for identity in what I did…
I got curious about something I hadn’t fully explored before. I got curious about something that had never been in my life before.
God.
Jesus.
The Bible.
Not from a place of certainty. But from a place of:
“What if what I’ve been looking for… isn’t where I’ve been looking?”
What I began to understand changed everything.
That identity isn’t something I have to create or earn.
That I was created with intention, with care, and with more love than I had ever allowed myself to fully grasp.
That my purpose isn’t tied to a specific job or role. And that no matter what I’m doing—if I’m showing up with love—I’m already living in alignment with that purpose.
That understanding didn’t answer all my questions overnight. I still have things I am trying to figure out.
But it did something more important.
It quieted the noise. It softened the pressure.
It gave me a kind of peace I had been chasing for years.
Recently, I stood on a stage and shared part of this journey, to complete strangers. And when I spoke about those three questions—the ones I had carried for decades— I saw heads nodding across the theatre.
Women who thought they were the only ones feeling that way.
Women who thought that constant pressure, that underlying anxiety… was just part of life. Or worse—that they just weren’t smart enough to figure it out.
I used to believe that too. Now I see it differently.
Maybe the problem isn’t that we haven’t found the answer.
Maybe it’s that we’ve been asking the wrong questions.
And maybe the peace we’re looking for… was never meant to be found in striving.
Have you ever noticed how the more you try to “figure yourself out”… the harder it feels to actually feel at peace?
